A Very Roxie Christmas, by Roxie Maisel

A Very Roxie Christmas

by Roxie Maisel

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1.	A Fifth Avenue Christmas 03:01	lyrics	buy track
First the crowded stores Become the empty streets A dusting snow Crunching under feet With fashion as our guide Skating side to side Slush and through snow Gazing at shop windows Fantastical worlds Through space and time Diamonds and emeralds Wintertime No need to buy Or clothing to try Laughter shared Makes us millionaires A Fifth Avenue Christmas Is always on my wish list I imagine it’s mine I feel divine A Fifth Avenue Christmas Look around Those who gather The people of New York Don’t need to be an Astor A Vanderbilt, Carnegie Politician Sipping martinis With reckless abandon A Fifth Avenue Christmas Is always on my wish list I imagine it’s mine I feel divine A Fifth Avenue Christmas On Cartier On Van Cleef Arpels On Tiffany’s On Saks On Barneys On Bergdorf And Bloomie’s In old NYC Give us a fantasy A life that could be With unlimited money Glitz and glamor Is what we’re after If we miss it You owe us a visit The Rockefeller Christmas Tree It’s glittery For you and me We count on you To make us happy Dress those windows And make it snappy! A Fifth Avenue Christmas Is always on my wish list I imagine it’s mine I feel divine Every year a change Tacky or strange A Fifth Avenue Christmas
2.	Little Purple Tinsel Tree 02:49	lyrics	buy track
I don’t have ornaments Stars or stockings Advent calendar Present unboxings I don’t have Nativity figurines But I do have electricity! I got it a timer It already has lights I love to watch it Turn on at night My little purple tinsel tree The first I ever had It’s completely new to me That Christmas isn’t bad! I covered my tree In all my jewelry Folded stars And origami Had a party with my friends It was very merry time well spent I never thought It could be for me! No more Christmas jealousy! My little purple tinsel tree The first I ever had It’s completely new to me That Christmas isn’t bad! It’s a bummer To feel outnumbered Bitter like Scrooge There’s no refuge! Suddenly... A ghost said, hey! What if it’s yours? Who says you can’t? It’s warm indoors I couldn’t hide I didn’t want to run I’ll give it a try Let’s have some fun! My little purple tinsel tree The first I ever had It’s completely new to me That Christmas isn’t bad! And under the tree Santa left for me What was on my list My first little Christmas!
3.	Bring Back Jesus 03:49	lyrics	buy track
There’s a culture war Here’s the score: They want our guns They want our Lord They’re coming for Christmas They’re coming for you Us good little Christians We know what to do We pray, we believe, And so do you We’re gonna bring back Jesus And Merry Christmas too America’s lost On a road trip We left behind Jesus Like Mary and Joseph They forgot Him At the pilgrimage No more Forgetting the Lord We won’t make The same mistake We’re gonna bring back Jesus And Merry Christmas too They wanna take baby Jesus Right out of the manger Those socialists Rewriting scripture They say Joseph wanted A prenup divorce Sacrificed animals Mistrusted the Lord Next thing, our flag Ain’t red, white, and blue We’re gonna bring back Jesus And Merry Christmas too They want to make it An atheist holiday With kooky rituals But it’s Jesus’s birthday Worshipping trees Dancin’ ‘round fires Dark-sided Saturn And the moon and the stars Chanting by candlelight At unholy midnight In our own churches Don’t believe their curses Singing ‘bout wizards Who fly around with deer With horns and antlers Leavin’ evil souvenirs I love God As much as you We’re taking our Lord back From all of you! They’ll take your lights And take your rights God told us to celebrate Gonna do it right No “Happy Holidays” Or “Season’s Greetings” Ambiguous coffee cups Or not believin’ Nobody will dare Cancel you Our Lord, our Savior, Our only truth He’s here to save All of you Except for you, and you, and you So welcome back Jesus And Merry Christmas Happy New Year too
4.	Santa's Nervous Breakdown 03:16	lyrics	buy track
It’s me, I’m Santa It’s really true I’ve come all this way With gifts for you Gee, Mr. Claus Can I ask a question? On Christmas Eve Do the elves give you presents? They’re in a union Went on strike They really hate me But you like me, right? Uh... I need love I need approval Your validation Is crucial Tell Santa what you see Do you believe in me? Uh, I guess so? I wanna know About the North Pole Is it always Super cold? It’s my graveyard And my coffin There’s no way out I think of it often But about tonight You’re having fun! You think I’m the best? Maybe number one? Um, uh, I don’t know Sometimes I doubt Do I even exist? Do I make a sound In that Arctic Forest? I just want hugs Adoration and love The kind you get From the big guy above Who will love me Just as I am? Am I good enough? Do you understand? I’m gonna go to bed now, Santa You called me Santa! I do exist! Tell me, do you love me? Uh, what? I need love I need approval Your validation Is crucial Tell Santa what you see Will you always believe in me? I don’t know, man, this was a lot.
5.	My Only Wish Is for Your Kiss 03:42	lyrics	buy track
Christmas We’ve been friends a long time You represent in my mind The kind of person who’s right for me The kind of song I wanna sing This Christmas My only wish Is for your kiss Am I naughty or nice? You can find out tonight We go together like fire and ice You melt my heart and make me smile This Christmas My only wish Is for your kiss I’ve waited forever For the right weather The perfect day But I was afraid Let’s not waste time Don’t make me wait Being your valentine Is way too late I have to know Is this for real? Do you feel The way I feel? This Christmas My only wish Is for your kiss Christmas Christmas With me
6.	The Office Holiday Party 02:39	lyrics	buy track
I’m gonna smash it up At the Christmas party I’m gonna make new friends At the Christmas party I’m gonna eat some cookies Try not to hide On the floor of the bathroom Curled up in a ball Not this year! How can I hide from my boss? Now I’m here, have to talk To people I hate It’s hard to relate The office holiday party It’s totally awkward The Christmas party To make conversation At the Christmas party Everyone’s so drunk There’s not enough food The potluck sucked Sugar-free desserts! How can I hide from my boss? Now I’m here, have to talk To people I hate It’s hard to relate The office holiday party Why can’t I be on vacation? It’s hard to find motivation ‘Cause I’m not getting paid I’m not getting laid I have to work tomorrow On Christmas Eve I get minimum wage I know the CEO’s pay A couple million And I barely make rent But I have to smile Because he likes my dress I went down to his office The computer was signed in Just a few password resets I liquidated his assets Who’s the boss now? The office holiday party
7.	Silent Night, Boring Night 02:13	lyrics	buy track
Silent night Boring night Everything closed All damn night None of my friends want to go out What the (bleep) is that all about Christmas sucks for the Jews Christmas sucks for the Jews Why don’t we See a movie Oh, wait you can’t? Of course you can’t You’re on a cruise He’s back home They’re with their family Won’t check their phone Christmas sucks for the Jews Christmas sucks for the Jews What should I eat? Where can I go? Is Whole Foods open? I don’t know I hear bells Oh, it’s my boss Can you work? No, I have a cough I need a break too Jews need a break too
8.	Revenge of the Trees 03:13	lyrics	buy track
They want me gone But I’m here to stay Abandoned out here Since Christmas day I’m shriveled up Dry as a bone No garbage truck No tombstone Balding and bare Blocking your stairs Instilling fear In all who walk near I haunt your dreams I hear your screams It sounds so sweet Revenge of the trees You had me at Tinsel and lights Now you can have me At my knife fights I’m a street punk With a gang of rats Ready to jump Ready to attack You try to forget me But I’m Machiavelli The prince of snakes I do what it takes I haunt your dreams I hear your screams It sounds so sweet Revenge of the trees I’m an evergreen From the guillotine And I’ll light you up Like gasoline I’m dangerously dry So now you’ll die It’s the end of days I set myself ablaze Getting hot in here? You left me for dead Now it’s your turn Happy Christmas It’s time to burn I haunt your dreams I hear your screams It sounds so sweet Revenge of the trees
9.	Only One Day 04:31	lyrics	buy track
To those who can’t celebrate Don’t have a home to decorate Who have many a wish But not many gifts Who can’t be jolly Only melancholy To those without hope Just a lump in their throat I wish you hope I wish you courage I wish you happiness On your voyage I believe it’s true And I believe in you I hope that you can get The help that you really need And if someone offers I hope that you see This holiday Is coming your way If you’re not merry It’s only one day I wish you hope I wish you courage I wish you happiness On your voyage I believe it’s true And I believe in you You’re out of practice But there’s a smile in you And a laugh in there too There’s strength within you that you don’t even know One day you’ll wake up And you’ll know where to go And what to do I see you crying Just keep trying Don’t give up The door’s not shut I know exactly where you are And who you want to be Because at one time You were me I wish you hope I wish you courage I wish you happiness On your voyage I believe it’s true And I see you And I believe in you
10.	A Very Roxie Christmas 01:29	lyrics	buy track
Hello, I’m Roxie Maisel. I want to thank you for listening to my album, which I have been working on for a very, very long time. If I’ve learned anything from creating these songs, it’s that the true meaning of Christmas is really up to each and every one of us. I want to thank everyone who supported me and helped me along the way. I especially want to thank me, myself, and I. We worked so hard together, and we had a lot of fun too. I would be remiss if I didn’t thank you, my number-one fan, for joining in my holiday celebration. This album is my Christmas gift to you! I hope you will share it with all your friends, because I want them to be happy too. I wish you A Very Roxie Christmas, the happiest of holidays, and a fabulous New Year.

about

When I began making this album, I wasn't quite sure how I felt about the holiday. I was raised Jewish, so I always felt a little excluded. What I discovered in the process of creating these songs is that I actually like Christmas a lot! It's fun! This project was a reclaiming and redefinition of what Christmas means to me.